Today marks 6 months of unemployment.  Tomorrow, I turn 47.  Those two facts together are spawning questions about how much longer it will take to reach some personal goals, like doing a job I feel called to do. 

Since around the year 2000,  right about the start of summer,  I was extremely frustrated with the job I had (which spanned from May 1, 1997 to November 21, 2002). I was worried about future things like saving enough money for college for Brian and Kelli,  and  advancing on to something that would give a bit more security (financial).  But security also had to do with personal,  spiritual,  and emotional health.  The struggles at work to overcome the constant barrage of unjust “under-valuing” of my Web skills and work product were working to create vast rifts between my self and my work,  which resulted in increasing loss of energy or desire to be proactive about things I about which I would have been fanatical only a couple of years earlier.

The 3 years that have passed since then have probably been  the source of much of the gray hair I now have. 

I have mentioned before in this weblog how I fear that my age is a deterrant to many would-be employers. It seems unadvisable to hire someone for techno-jobs who is not of the GenX or younger group , and not a recipient of a degree in programming. I have at least 10 years in the Internet applications field, but having that experience at a “religious” institution is also not only unimpressive in comparison to “fortune 500” type companies, but it can also be a source of suspicion about what kind of “religious person” I might be. One interviewer, with whom I at least got to the interview stage, was honest enough to state his own misgivings/concerns about having this in my background.

On the other hand, I hope it’s a plus for prospects in a “Church related” organization. And then there’s the anxiety about who is inquiring to my former employer, and beyond that, to my former supervisor, and how little chance I see of there being anything to help me there. I knew that the points I was debating and kept pressing were nearing the “enough” stage (as much had been said) , but I kept pressing, even after I had backed down and “hunkered down” so many times before. It was as if I proceeded against all better judgement (well, no “as if” there…it WAS against better judgement) …to break the bond irreparably; to give the final proclamation of “Enough!” Part of me says that I was going to severly damage or even destroy my health if I stayed longer. Perhaps something deep within me “pushed me over the edge” , prompting me to “Open up my future” so abruptly. One taste of what I have experienced just about every day since then would have been the proverbial “cold water thrown on my face” to jolt me back into reality, but I had no such good fortune. Daily I feel the regret of my failure to “be a good boy” and talk the talk and “walk the walk” as convincingly as I could – even while maybe literally dying on the inside. When I think of how many people have to endure MUCH MUCH worse in terms of unsatisfying jobs and unjust, “inapproprite” wages, my “struggle” seems trite. But before the “separation”, the situation felt critical.

In Septemebr 2001, when I was fearfully awaiting what the results would be on my prostate biopsy, and then received the good news on , of all days, Septemebr 11th, in the first couple of hours after the horrificevents of that day had begun. My first thoughts as I stepped outside onto the front porch and pumped my fist in the air and let out a “Yes!”, were not only of having a deep appreciation of life (especially in light of how fragile it can be and be snuffed out at any moment by sickeness or violence – like that day), but seeking also to live that appreciation by renewing my energies toward finding a new [place for me to work where I can not only be appreciated for technical skills and my devotion to going the extra mile and working offsite at all hours, but also for my capacity to contribute something I consider to be my greatest value: the combination of theological training and on-the-job experience with Web technolgies, along with my insatiable appetite to stay in close touch with tech trends, and their implications for the theological community. I also, as I have thematically indicated in thois weblog, have a belief in the neccessity for theological communities to explore the issues of online community, and to experiment as a journey toward opening the doors of the Church to the online culture, and to appropriate the tools as good stewards of ministry opportunities.

When I was not selected for a position I had interviewed for in February 2002 (I was informed of the final decision in early or mid-May), I went into a tailspin re: my “energies” to “get the hell out of there”.

I discovered blogging about 3 weeks later. I had just read “Small Pieces Loosely Joined” — David weinberger’s book subtitled “a unified theory of the Web”, and “Gonzo Marketing”, Christopher Locke’s book on “Winning Through Worst Practices”. Both extolled the Cluetrain proclamations of the Web Virtues of “allowing for and enabling of VOICE”; opening a new community where the words of marketers are “CLueless” and the real market, the actual PEOPLE who exist for the marketers as “targets”, are laughing at the Clueless drivel that companies are shoveling onto the Web, straight from the same mindset as the brochures.

I had read The Cluetrain Manifesto about a year earlier. I bought a couple of extra copies as I began my Weblog, while on vacation for a week. Of course, my excitemetn about weblogs as I began to “get it” about Weblogs, was considered just another “diversion” at work. This drove the stake into any heart I had left for further attempts to be a member of “the team”. I felt completely cut off. I felt isolated from the others, even though we had much in common that could have built loyalty that might have helped overcome the negativity and “what’s the use” feelings that often surfaced. I was becoming such a “loner” there, which was in complete contrast to my prior “teams” in previous jobs. I enjoyed and was enjoyed by my colleagues AND supervisors. The weblog became my journal and my research paper (continuing the work I had started back in 1993-95 when I first wrote for the Web, and bringing it into 2002 and beyond).

I continue to “Monster” (watch the job postings on monster.com, and several other related/similar services (careerbuilder.com, dice.com and a few others) as well as the Sunday paper, and the Cincinnati Enquirer jobs section via snail mail from Janet’s mom. I run weekly searches on Google for things such as “Seminary, Web Developer, Online” and other similar combinations, seeking out new postings about where Church organizations may be seeking web help. So many of them I find seem too focused on “Design” as in graphics- suggesting that the brochure approach is still king; that Churches are doing a lot of “shovelware” straight from the print publication mindset.